Something New...

I've never written a blog before...mainly because I'm too lazy but another reason is most of my work is precious to me. Most of it reveals things hidden beneath the party boy exterior, the good son, the loyal brother, the funny friend, and the "responsible" young adult. I've carried with me feelings...deep dark feelings that my true self has been able to restrain. More and more I feel him bubbling to the top like a volcano pushing that last plate apart and erupt. I keep him in like a wrangler keeps in a wild bull.

Recently I've realized that he's been there for years, but nothing has really set it off until these last couple months. Losing friends, losing family, realizing your family has been lost, crashing your car, more people dying...it's not fun and for the first time...i felt like something really...hurt me. In these last 4 months I've cried more than I can remember. I never cry...but idk...something is happening to me. I'm changing...

When I told someone this, they asked me, "Did you change for the better?" I said, without hesitation, "No." The dreams that have come back into my life scare me...the pain that I feel subconsciously, scares me...the only thing that helps is connection. It makes me happy to make others happy...because alone...i think about what's going on in my life. I saw a TV show recently, Dexter, which put what I feel very poetically, a Dark Passenger (although if you watch the show...mine isn't the same AT ALL). Basically there's something cooking inside me and he has to stay contained.

Those of you that know me, know that I love super heroes. They bring a sense of peace, hope, and truth to my life. I try and hold certain parts of my life to those standards...and I am proud of it. Many of you also know that Batman is my favorite character without a doubt. I won't go into why but there is something that I just thought about...Batman started off his "heroics" as Bruce Wayne and an alter-ego of "The Batman"...but as his life progressed...that changed; he became his alter-ego. He was no longer pretending to be "Batman" but now he forgot how to be Bruce Wayne. How the fuck do you forget to be yourself? That thought scares me to know end. I don't know why I'm changing or how far the change will go, but it's new to me and I don't like it. Hell of a first post huh?