Closet Romantic

I haven't wrote in a while because I don't know how to write down what is going in my head. There is something however that I wanted to get out. Today, while hanging out with my friends, we all came to the realization that I am a closet romantic. Most people know me with the reputation as a freak, someone who "uses girls", and as someone who just wants to fuck. Let me try and explain how I work...frankly because I need to get out what I've been thinking about. Let's officially set the record straight...I am a freak. I love sex and I love having sex a lot and I'd like to think I'm good at it. I like to hook up with more than one girl at a time..because girls are people and just like normal human beings, different people have a lot to offer and I love different experiences. This all happens when I am single. I am not against relationships but I will not settle for just "a girl"...I will only get with someone that is extremely special to me. I've dated two people in my life...they didn't work out but I do not regret any time that I spent with them. It allowed me chances to experience new things in my life and it also allowed me to realize what i really want in a relationship and the type of boyfriend and man I want to be. I will always have some feelings for my ex girlfriends...mainly because there are memories that I can't erase...but the only reason I experienced them with those girls is because there was something about them that made it about something more than just sex. I remember there was a comment made about me, "The only reason he has his girlfriend is because he wants sex." Time to clarify more: I don't need a girlfriend to have sex...I'm perfectly capable of having sex with girls that I enjoy spending time with. I choose to have a girlfriend when I find that girl that I would love to include in part of my life...someone who makes life better just because we are together. Anyone who's slept with a girl before knows that when you wake up next to them, that first look at her eyes...is the telling one. If you actually look her eyes and see something more than the color...that's when you know you really found something more than a "fuck buddy". Sex is a big deal to me...but it's not a deciding factor in choosing a girlfriend (although, truthfully, I don't think I would be able to be in a relationship with someone who didn't have sex). If I can have sex regardless of a relationship, then sex obviously wouldn't really be the reason that I would go through the twists and turns of a committed, real relationship (which is what I treat my relationships as). There is someone that is very important to me...but she's too far for me to do anything about it. I realize that when I have my mind set on a girl that is extremely special to me, I act differently that I would normally with a girl...but that's because I feel different around her...I feel real. I love the wining and dining, looking at stars and constellations, making the girl, who makes me feel special, feel special too. I've made some messed up choices, which was fucked up towards the girls, but I've realized them and tried my best to repeat them. I don't know exactly what I wrote down but I've released some of the issues rummaging around in my head.

Apparently...A Person CAN Run Through Your Head All the Time

I haven't talked to her in a long time...and I miss her. I miss the calmness she gave me, the caring she showed, and the fun we always had together. Seeing my phone go off and seeing her face is the second best feeling in the world but the best feeling is knowing that she's happy. But I haven't really talked to her in so long that I can't really know how she feels. I know that she's been going through a lot of relationship issues lately and all I want is for her to keep that smile on her face. A lot has been changing in my life. Maybe I'm at the point in my life where I realize that what I put stock in when I was younger won't exactly be there for me later down the line. These last few months have been full of disappointment and sadness. It almost feels like one of those "life trials" in which i would have to overcome my obstacles instead of avoiding them. I hope I hear from her soon and I hope she's doing well...this...was just an entry of one day of everyday that I miss her.

Clarification

A couple of nights ago, I wrote a post out of frustration and, i guess, self pity. Sometimes I really have to think about my life and what's really important to me. Sometimes I forget that even though I feel a certain way about someone, doesn't mean that the person I care about, feels the same way about me. In a way I automatically assume that most of them do feel the same way about me, although that is a bit egotistical. When it counts though, I wish I could have the one person that I want.

Random Rambling Thoughts at Jim's Steakout

Life presents itself in the weirdest ways. Sitting in this cold ass car...attempting to warm myself...I realize that there are people who will change the course of history for you. Every person encounters people who make the greatest impacts in someone's life and alters what might have been at that very moment. Sometimes it may present itself in the form of a business opportunity, a friendship, and best of all love. In my case, a woman...excuse me...THE woman...would be the greatest find in the world. A job can satisfy a person, a best friend is a great find but a common one. THE woman...the perfect one...is rare and unique. To find her would be greater than finding Atlantis, greater than world peace, greater than replenishing the Ozone layer, greater than all the money in the world. The eyes that glisten in the light and illuminate the dark. She makes you a better person everytime your together and even everytime you think about her. Her gaze melts the ice from a cold day but her smile melts the frost wrapped around your frigid heart. The silky hair slides seamlessly through your fingers as they end...cupping the side of her face gently...holding her head while embracing a warm perfect kiss from a perfect girl with soft perfect lips. In my embrace she fits like the last piece of the 1000 piece puzzle which is always impossible to find. Have you ever looked up at a rainbow and marveled at its beauty? How the colors blend in together making a magnificent stream of vibrant colors to create one of the most beautiful natural acts in all of the cosmos. Did your ever stare at one and realize its beauty is nothing compared to the beauty of the one you love? Did you ever feel the vibrancy fade from your heart when the one you love...doesn't love you? Did you ever feel...alone?