Closet Romantic

I haven't wrote in a while because I don't know how to write down what is going in my head. There is something however that I wanted to get out. Today, while hanging out with my friends, we all came to the realization that I am a closet romantic. Most people know me with the reputation as a freak, someone who "uses girls", and as someone who just wants to fuck. Let me try and explain how I work...frankly because I need to get out what I've been thinking about. Let's officially set the record straight...I am a freak. I love sex and I love having sex a lot and I'd like to think I'm good at it. I like to hook up with more than one girl at a time..because girls are people and just like normal human beings, different people have a lot to offer and I love different experiences. This all happens when I am single. I am not against relationships but I will not settle for just "a girl"...I will only get with someone that is extremely special to me. I've dated two people in my life...they didn't work out but I do not regret any time that I spent with them. It allowed me chances to experience new things in my life and it also allowed me to realize what i really want in a relationship and the type of boyfriend and man I want to be. I will always have some feelings for my ex girlfriends...mainly because there are memories that I can't erase...but the only reason I experienced them with those girls is because there was something about them that made it about something more than just sex. I remember there was a comment made about me, "The only reason he has his girlfriend is because he wants sex." Time to clarify more: I don't need a girlfriend to have sex...I'm perfectly capable of having sex with girls that I enjoy spending time with. I choose to have a girlfriend when I find that girl that I would love to include in part of my life...someone who makes life better just because we are together. Anyone who's slept with a girl before knows that when you wake up next to them, that first look at her eyes...is the telling one. If you actually look her eyes and see something more than the color...that's when you know you really found something more than a "fuck buddy". Sex is a big deal to me...but it's not a deciding factor in choosing a girlfriend (although, truthfully, I don't think I would be able to be in a relationship with someone who didn't have sex). If I can have sex regardless of a relationship, then sex obviously wouldn't really be the reason that I would go through the twists and turns of a committed, real relationship (which is what I treat my relationships as). There is someone that is very important to me...but she's too far for me to do anything about it. I realize that when I have my mind set on a girl that is extremely special to me, I act differently that I would normally with a girl...but that's because I feel different around her...I feel real. I love the wining and dining, looking at stars and constellations, making the girl, who makes me feel special, feel special too. I've made some messed up choices, which was fucked up towards the girls, but I've realized them and tried my best to repeat them. I don't know exactly what I wrote down but I've released some of the issues rummaging around in my head.